Soul searching

My last day is rapidly approaching. I face it with a certain degree of trepidition. I don't quite know what I am going to do after that. That is, I know, but like a man who has fallen off a high cliff, the ground is still a bit too far away to make out clearly. What can I do but fall?

I have heard that it is a good idea to write a eulogy for yourself. There are two methods: What would be said about you if you died tomorrow; and what would you like to be said about you at the end of your life? It gives you perspective, which is a good thing to have.

What would someone say about me? "Here lies Michael, a liar." That is not what I would want, but it would be honest. I want to be honest in everything. Christ was honest, and I want to follow Him. What I want is not always what I want, though.

What would I like said at the end of my life? "Here rests Michael, a follower of Christ." That would be enough. What about, "A loving husband and fater."? Yeah.

Now I have said that, what will it take? Being honest with myself and with my wife and my God seems like a good place to start. I vow to never lie and to always be honest, no matter the consequences, forever. I can already feel my gut twist. I get in far more trouble avoiding trouble than I ever do accepting the trouble in the first place.

So, what happens when I don't want to do something? I talk to my wife about it. If she wants me to do it anyway, I will not lie and say I will do it, and then not do it. I will tell her I am not going to do it, and then accept the consequences. That is how to through life honestly. I need to examine an issue, then determine if not doing it is better than doing it.

It isn't perfect, but it is a start. I will need to do more, but for now, I will keep my expectations low.